William & Kate: The Love Story

Illustration for the Guardian by Neal Fox

When Catherine Middleton tightly held the arm of William Wales, the only man she had ever truly loved, as they posed for their engagement photographs, the world was gripped by the greatest love story since Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer had announced their betrothal some 30 years earlier. So it was fitting that William had presented his commoner bride, who had worked in the mines before pulling herself up by her bootstraps to go to Marlborough College, with his mother's engagement ring. As they gazed into each others' eyes, William whispered exclusively to me, "My mother and father's marriage worked out OK, so it seemed like a good omen. And it was bloody cheap!

He had proposed to his commoner fiancee some weeks earlier, a story I had exclusively revealed in the News of the World every three months for the best part of eight years, and finally Kate, who had never put a foot wrong throughout their courtship despite being so horribly common, was no longer his princess-in-waiting.

It is impossible to overstate just how common Kate is. Only half her friends had titles or double-barrelled surnames and her parents even had to buy some of their own furniture, but nevertheless she is a shining example of what common people can achieve if they work hard. I can also exclusively reveal – having undertaken my own internal examination – that she is a girl of the highest morals and was indeed virgo intacta before her love for William was properly consummated in a barn round the back of Balmoral.

William's chinless features and receding hairline had of course made him the poster boy of his generation and, with the lusty droit de seigneur of his father, he had healthily satiated his appetites on Jecca, Arabella, Isabella and every other posh girl who had thrown herself at him. Common Kate was more reserved and their romance flourished when they shared a house at St Andrews while William was nursing a broken heart after Carly Binky-Binkerton had told him there was no way she was going to shag him, even if he was a prince. It is a tribute to Kate's many qualities and commonness that he was able to survive this tricky period.

It didn't take long for both Charles and the Queen to realise what a steadying influence Common Kate was, and after, as I exclusively revealed at the time, the Queen invited her to sit 10 seats behind her in the royal box at Ascot, marriage was an inevitability. There were tricky times ahead, though, for both these very modern youngsters, once they left the sanctuary of St Andrews. With his brilliant first-class masters degree, William had Sandhurst at his beck and call, while his common girlfriend was rushed off her feet working two hours a week for Jigsaw. Often they only had time to meet in Boujis and understandably, cracks began to show in their relationship after I exclusively revealed William was having second thoughts about going out with someone so common when he was papped for the umpteenth time falling out of a taxi with his tongue halfway down a mystery blonde's throat.

Common Kate's loyalty never wavered, although, as Bunny Anstruther-Tyrrell-deCustem exclusively told me at the time, she was "pretty hacked off about the situation". William's behaviour, completely understandable in such an obviously heterosexual member of the royal family, merely stiffened her resolve as she resigned her demanding job at Jigsaw to concentrate on becoming his bride. I can also exclusively reveal that Charles, an often misunderstood man who cares deeply for his children, intervened. "Stop being such a silly arse," he told his son. "You can still shag around when you're married. So just get on with it and put that fool Jobson out of his misery."

His efforts were not in vain. Last November William persuaded Archie Duckworth-Chad to pay for him and Kate to go on holiday to Kenya and there he offered to make his commoner a princess. The country wishes them well, though I can exclusively reveal that if the marriage does go pear-shaped, I'll be the first to write a book about their divorce.

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